I want to remember what is was like to be happy but even a smile would be nice. In 11 weeks I’ve left my home 7 x’s and refilled my car with gas today. I met a former co-worker and my only TRUE friend @ DJ’s… restaurant .
While in route, the closer I got to DJ’s, my insides were jerking …. I was not thinking about where DJ’s was located… It was directly across from the Veterans Affair , my former employer . I told my friend this would be a half way point for her and preventing a very long drive.
I was not expecting this level of fear and anxiety…I cried for a moment And the anxiety leveled to tolerable state. It was nice to come out of my cave ,but how in Gods name did it go this far. (Southern) I used to be strong willed, happy , a go getter, trusting of others but still cautious , fun to be around, risk taker, very independent and I LOVED LOVED working in my yard… I would do this 6 to 8 hours while not working. I did nothing this year) my grass is approx. 12in. High. Believe me when I say this , my home and landscaping was a showcase. As I was writing this , I’m thinking , where did I go , who is this? I can say this…I’m scared. Now I’m in the first phase of mortgage foreclosure , no job, no insurance, I have sold everything in my home except bedroom, tv and 2 chairs. My heart , mind and soul is in much pain. Untreated PTSD and the cruel events that triggered the PTSD is leading me into a darker place than ever before. Like I mentioned earlier, I was a fighter. It takes every ounce of me to put this 240 page report together that proves the VA’s corrupt and cruel behavior inflicted on me. A cruelty that almost cost me my life and residual of devastation. I still can not believe this is happening!!!! BUT, I have to fight for me, WHY? no one else will. I’m going to send this report to as many people I can, I have to!
AGAIN I SAY, BUT, if no one wants to listen or even acknowledge this… I’m VERY AFRAID of the consequences I will have to pay… My state of feeling more worthless because for me they would be telling me I don’t believe you. The effects of the cruelty inflicted ,reminds me of how a rape victim feels when the aslant goes free. She has been violated, stripped of her dignity, her self worth , why me, her life as it used to be , will not be the same even if there was justice, PLEASE if anyone reading this who is a victim of rape , I’m sure you’re experiencing much more than I stated above and I’m sorry if you are the victim. I truly am!!!!
I have to fight, I have to try , for me and the angry side wants them to be held accountable, if it’s possible . I have to take a gamble, either way there will be a price to pay. Yes-no ?????